Need for Connection

I can remember from a very young age wanting, and deeply desiring to be accepted, to be picked to be on the "team" of my peers that I preferred. It was a longing that came from deep within, and ended in either great disappointment, or joyous jubilation. As human beings, we all long to be accepted, wanted, needed, and validated. Even our culture encourages us to engage in certain behaviors and to participate in popular trends for this reason alone. Speaking of being alone....it is not a way we were "meant" to be.

If fact were created to be relational, and when our lives don't involve others, let's face it, we're generally unhappy. You may be thinking, "now wait a minute," there are some things or people I could live without." Well maybe, but researchers and counselors who study relationships, such as Barry G. Ginsberg founder of the Center of Relationship Enhancement (CORE) suggests that is the actual stress of relationships that keeps us alive, as long as there's not too much stress. In fact it is the difficult things that become the themes of our relationships and the reciprocation that comes from these difficulties that can ultimately lead to greater intimacy and stability if emotions are regulated properly.In sum, It's not the problems couple's or individuals solve that but instead how they deal with their emotions connected to the problem.

For example, If your partner says to you "You forgot to call and make your doctors appointment today" you either both recognize the feeling of disappointment as the reason for the statement or you feel criticized and and become defensive.

To come together and connect, both individuals and couples have to learn to identify underlying feelings that motivate their expressions. This can be done by practicing expressing feelings which involves speaking and listening...which with time allows us to accept and understand one another, thus we feel and become more connected.



You can read more about this in Counseling Today, June 2012 issue v. 54/number 12